Livers and Hearts and Gizzards, Oh My: A Year in Review

The time, dear readers, has come. I'm not referring to my re-entry into the US, but rather an attempt to recap what has transpired in my life since I last found myself in lady liberty's red, white, and blue embrace.

I had intended on making this, as most years in review are, a summary of a dozen months, but unforeseen typhoons coups bouts with dengue vacations prevented me from getting to work on it. It has, therefore, morphed into a baker's dozen - thirteen months, which, contrary to what the number 13 may suggest, have ended up being rather lucky... and pretty damn sweet.

Below I offer you my year in review Harper's-style: by the numbers.

Days outside of the US: 422

Countries visited: 4

Countries worked in: 3

Days in India: 269

Days in Thailand: 9

Days in Vietnam: 119

Days in China: 25

Longest plane ride: 16 hours (Newark to New Delhi)

Longest bus ride: 14 hours (Hue to Hanoi)

Longest train ride: 27 hours (Ranchi to Jabalpur)

Longest train ride with diarrhea: 22 hours (Delhi to Jaisalmer)

Trips to the toilet on that train: >20

Percentage of time I spent awake (lying on my stomach) wishing I hadn't chosen the top bunk: 75%

Scripts I learned to read: 2 (Vietnamese, Hindi)

Scripts I learned to read of which I actually understand what I'm saying: 0

Languages I have tried to speak: 8 (Bengali, Chinese, English, French, Hindi, Spanish, Thai, Vietnamese)

Languages that I have spoken without being laughed at: 1 (Spanish)

Nationalities of people laughing at my English: 1 (Australian)

Days spent in a hospital: ~175

Days spent in a hospital as a patient: 0

Hot showers: 0

New French friends: 6

New American friends: 1.5 (yes, Bram, you're the 0.5)

Items stolen from me: 2 (pair of sneakers while sleeping on a train)

Most mosquitoes killed in one night: 34

Time at which those mosquitoes were killed: 2am

Days that I spent the whole day in bed feeling utterly wretched: 1

Number of samosas eaten prior to spending that day in bed feeling utterly wretched: 5

Number of days following that wretched day in bed that I boycotted samosas: 4

Most samosas eaten in one sitting: 6

Bananas eaten in the year prior to my arrival in Asia: 0

Bananas eaten since: 100s

Most consecutive days that I ate rice: ∞

Most consecutive meals that included noodles: ~10

Most consecutive days dancing until after 5am: 5

Most consecutive days eating noodles after dancing until 5am: 5

Place attained in a five-man chili eating contest: 1

Days following the chili contest that I experienced extreme quantities of rectal displeasure: 2

Odd things eaten (by US standards): 10 (chicken livers, gizzards, and hearts; cow stomach; crickets; snails; fish heads; baby bunting; dried squid; duck embryos; porcupine; cobra)

Sick days following the consumption of the aforementioned rarities: 0

Times eating Western food: 5

Sick days following the consumption of the aforementioned Western non-rarities: 2

Times hit by a vehicle: 3 (motorcycle, bike, car)

Drivers of such vehicles that acknowledged that they hit me: 0

Injuries sustained in vehicle accidents: 0

Injuries sustained while playing cards: 1

Injuries sustained while dancing: 2

Most rats seen at a single time: >200 (Kolkata)

Times seen dogs and cows fighting over garbage: >5

Times seen dogs and humans fighting over garbage: >10

Times seen cows and humans fighting over garbage: 0

Times stepping in dog shit: 0

Times stepping in cow shit: >10

Number of many-armed gods seen thrown into a river: 2

Placentas seen prior to August 2006: 0

Placentas seen since: 100s

Percentage of Vietnamese women that wear full arm gloves and face masks around town: ~20%

Time it took for me to understand that Vietnamese women don such attire not to stay clean but to stay white: 10 days

Percentage of Chinese women that carry umbrellas around town: ~35%

Time it took for me to understand that Chinese women carry umbrellas not to stay dry but to stay white: 10 minutes

Times that the temperature exceeded 100ºF/38ºC: ever been to India in April or Vietnam in June?

Scubadives: 4

Times lost underwater by divemaster: 2

Length of time spent in the dive shop pestering the staff for a refund: 2 hours

Amount of money recovered: $0

Number of pamphlets stolen from the dive shop by my dive companion: 20

Most expensive haircut: 75 cents

Disparaging remarks made to me, an American, by Vietnamese about the Vietnam war: 0

Disparaging remarks made by Vietnamese about the Iraq war: >10

Length of intended original stay: 5 months

Projected stay: 17 months

Person I miss most: you

Since you managed to make it through this list, here is your prize: a beautiful rendition of a Beatles classic.